Worst self-tanning lotion. Neutrogena Fake Tan disasterOne of my best model friends calls me saying she has to see me IMMEDIATELY. Why?! Did anybody die?
Anyway, we have agreed on meeting at StarBucks in an hour. She wouldn’t tell me what was her problem, but she sounded like she was bitten by the crazy little monkey.

When I came inside she looked furious. I glanced at my watch, to make sure I wasn’t late. I was OK. Still it felt good to know I wasn’t the reason of her very emotional state:).

I think I didn’t quite finish my question, it was like: “What in a hell is……..” When she jumped off her chair in the very center of the café and put her shirt up. I was out of words. I hate when she does that to me. First of all, I didn’t know how to react, because at least 15 people in the café were totally into watching us (and ready to buy monthly subscription at 1-800-n-a-k-e-d-m-o-d-e-l), I mean her, watching her. Anyway, she was the one showing some flesh! And second, I have never seen my beautiful friend that……umm…..orange!

OrangeIt reminds me of the scene from the “Requiem for a dream” movie by Darren Aronofsky. Mother of the main character, Sara Goldfarb is dieing her hear red for the TV show she was dreaming of. Her friend helps her out with it. As they see the results in the mirror, Sara asks:
“What color is that?”.
“Red. It is red”, –her friend replies.
“If this is red, show me the orange”.

Unfortunately, my friend looked nothing but orange. I would really love to say something like: “Hey! It’s not that bad! It’s not even orange, it’s…..umm”, BUT I couldn’t think of the other color to describe her skin tone. So, that’s why I didn’t say anything. But I promised her that she could warn my readers about the worst self-tanning product ever. So, here it goes!

Neutrogena instant bronze sunless tanner and bronzer in foam.I’m always up for trying different products, especially from trusted brands like Neutrogena. This year, I decided I’d give the Neutrogena Instant Bronze foam a whirl. Thank God I wasn’t stupid enough to slather this crap on my face. (And you people say that models are not smart:))

Neutrogena claims to provide a streak-free, natural looking tan. I’ve never seen anyone tan in the color this foam turned on me. I look like I smeared Elmer’s glue on myself and rolled in some red Oklahoma clay. I wish I had a picture so you could share in my horror and disgust.

The ad says:

“Patented foam formula applies easily and evenly. Non-sticky foam absorbs quickly and dries in less than 5 minutes.”

Um. . . not quite. Yes, it foams. Mud-colored foam. I’m not sure if it absorbs into anything but your hair follicles. As I was applying this stuff, it was drying as I rubbed it in, which made it gunk up in areas – leaving hideous blotches to contend with. And yes, it is too sticky.

The ad says:

”Light, fresh fragrance.”

fake tan smell

The ad says:

“The sheer bronzer provides a hint of temporary, natural looking color immediately upon application and allows you to see where you’ve applied it to help eliminate mistakes for flawless, even coverage.”

There is nothing natural looking about this stuff. You can’t avoid mistakes because it dries too quickly. This stuff streaks worse than any invisible sunless tanning cream I’ve used.

The ad says:

“Directions. Avoid contact with clothing and wash your hands with soap and water immediately after use.”

On that hand-washing thing – better break out a scrub sponge and some alcohol, because soap wouldn’t get this stuff off your palms. Neutrogena states the product begins to develop in 2-4 hours and lasts for days. While it lingers on the palms, it ironically does wash off your legs and arms immediately after you take a shower. Yup, it comes right off, leaving you with only polka-dotted hair follicles.

This stuff wouldn’t pass the “sweaty white socks test,” either. Forget even trying. I wouldn’t wear a pair of my socks with this stuff on. Well, not a pair of good ones, anyway.

Well, besides my caution to NOT USE IT, you should know that Neutrogena Instant Bronze contains absolutely no sunscreen. When using this stuff in the sun, make sure you have extra sunscreen protection along.

The bottle says:

“Questions or comments? 1-800-582-4048 (USA) or www.Neutrogena.com”

I definitely knew of a better place for my comments, so I called my friend who is also an author of this blog! I wanted girls to actually read my warning. Take care.
orange self tan